my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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