Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize