you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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