please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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