maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize