why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He keeps bees of course he's weird
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
