Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
She just used a chaser for red wine.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
