My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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