If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
