i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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