Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
