Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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