12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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