Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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