I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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