I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
