Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
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