I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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