My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Life without a bra equals bliss.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
