i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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