I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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