You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
