i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
