It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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