I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
