I can feel you judging me through the phone.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
