One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
