I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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