Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
