the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
