I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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