I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
