At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
