I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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