ya dads aren't the best wingmen
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
