it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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