I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
