shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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