Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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