How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
