Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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