FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
