Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
