Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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