we have pet lesbian snakes
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just gargled with NyQuil
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
