I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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