dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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