i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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