I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
