I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
