I never want to see another naked old woman again.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
babies were throwing up all over the place
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
