nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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