pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
