Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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