3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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