Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
