Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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