we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
